You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
