In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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