even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
