i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
