I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
