I showed him my bush... on skype.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
