he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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