I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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