Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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