hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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