...so i touched it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
