My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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