I want to stick my p in your. b.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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