Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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