why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.