I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
