I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
