Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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