Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
