Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
