Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize