dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
