Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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