I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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