Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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