When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
