You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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