its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
