College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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