...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
