Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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