You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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