The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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