She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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