90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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