I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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