My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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