alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I love you. Go after that dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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