So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
