just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
