My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
