You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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