im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
