my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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