Cold hands, warm shart.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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