It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
