why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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