Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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