i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
