How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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