yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
