carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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