He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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