1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
